tragic and beautiful?

This takes quite some effort.

I just wrote in my "private blog" for the second time today. I've been thinking a lot about how I have to sort of get past certain people and memories. At first I was thinking that I need to get better at dismissing people. But dismissing... well, I don't think that's the word I was really looking for. I've decided that I still don't think that being dismissive is ever really right. These people and memories of them that linger forever on my mind are causing me problems, but that doesn't mean that I should just dismiss them. I can't obsess--nor can I dismiss.. so I think I just need to accept?

It's just that I let strangers occupy my mind so much. It makes sense though; since I don't know them as well, it's easier for me to see them as the answer to everything. It's pretty silly, really, to cry over someone imaginary when you have real, good people right in front of you. I can't figure out how to change though. I always love the imaginary people. It'll have to stop eventually. Or sometimes I get hung up on people who I know don't see me having a role in their life. It's often one memory in particular--or a few--that won't let me get over something. Examples, here. Imaginary person I am in love with--he is over in California right now. I think about him every day. It's sad. I only hung out with him once, for 12 hours or something, but I remember it. Since he is so far away now, and I missed getting the chance to see him again, I seem to have convinced myself that I missed some insanely great connection. On the other hand, someone who started out as imaginary (as most people do) and eventually became a real character in my life--he lives in Brooklyn. We hung out a lot over the summer, and I never really said the things that mattered. I know I am not a concern to him anymore, but there are these little things I remember that won't let me just be ok with it. It's always a little memory that is so beautiful, too much to let go of, even though I can't seem to be alright as long as I have the memory without the person that goes with it. (does that make sense?) The biggest one with him, is this one day when we were walking by McCarren Park. We started talking about our parents. Then he started telling me about his dad, and how goofy his dad could be; apparently he would tell really cheesy jokes, and then do this really silly laugh by himself while he sort of elbowed whoever may have been next to him. I can see Sean saying this about his dad while he looked off into the distance, clearly envisioning dozens of broken old memories while he smiled and described them to me. And that's one of those things about Sean that tells me--well, even when people say "fuck him", "he's an asshole", or whatever other shit might comfort me for a second, I can still recall that little memory and secretly know that he is still beautiful, and sweet, and I could never really just dismiss him despite his asshole side.

I've always wished I could express myself better, but hopefully this all makes sense. It seems to come back to acceptance again. And my whole "tragic and beautiful" thing--something that I decided everything secretly revolves around. I've also forgotten how much movies can affect me. When I was thinking of all this, three movies popped into my head. Just some specific little parts. Some quotes here.. on my mind lately:

"You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her?" (Amelie.)

"You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you." (Before Sunrise.)

"People can lead their life as a lie. My grandmother, she was married to this man, and I always thought she had a very simple, uncomplicated love life. But she just confessed to me that she spent her whole life dreaming about another man she was always in love with. She just accepted her fate. It's so sad.
--I guarantee you, it was better that way. If she'd ever got to know him, I'm sure he would have disappointed her eventually.
--How do you know? You don't know them.
--Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality." (Before Sunrise.)

And the last movie... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I know, everyone knows this movie, but it's one that.. well, the whole idea of these memories that are holding you back. I didn't think of a quote, except for the part when he yells "I want to call it off!" Just.. the memories that you're so angry that you have. You wish you could just forget, because then you could move on and be fine. But really, the memories are just too beautiful to let go of. So you hold on to them, even though it might make you more sad.