contradictory epiphany maybe me

So, "Seth", I like what you had to say about that other post of mine. I really do. I agree with most of it too.

Also, however, it made me think. Right now I'm so TIRED of keeping my options OPEN. Fuck keeping my options open. Fuckkk keeping my options open.

So many new ways of thinking like that keep popping into my head now. So many things that are insanely obvious but that I just ignored until 2 days ago. I'm so glad, too, because it's the new year blah blah blah and things are supposed to be different, and I honestly hoped to hell they would be different. And I think they are. So far, at least. Who knows. But I know that I'm sick of trying so hard to keep my options open and fuck, there will always be some asshole judging me and you and everyone we know. (that's a movie title? i need to re-view that one.) Either way, this is what came out of me today. A combination of this "fuck that" attitude and the one in which I can't help but care. I mean, I'll still always have both of them:

i sat down next to you
i had no idea, the significance
a child running by can prove
all we've ever done is wished ever since
we were children, unaware
i would sit next to you.
who knew things on the wall
could make such a pretty blue around you?
you said i should smoke reds
i had no idea, the significance
so we traded cigarettes
and i've had a hole in my stockings ever since
the sparkling cellophane was in your eyes
when we were holding hands
and layers of blue light on blue light
like hair they would dance.
i'll try to stop trying so hard.
make your face in brooklyn,
make your face thousands away far.
i'll try to make it known, once or twice.
i certainly won't forget,
but i'm learning to pretend
i'm not so nice.
i bought a record for you for me.
i listened and realized it was warped;
i don't know what isn't.
we can only wait and see
if you come back
and you live in my future home in the present
will you help me decide
which home mine isn't?
i can never remember if you said
"yes" sarcastically, or "no" sarcastically
but i know, either way
you meant the same thing for me
when you--led me out
of the room to the tree, and he
set the doves free, but not where
they're meant to be--
take me back so we can climb.
there's a jacket at the top
and a blanket for both of us
all the time.
if the 12 hours never happened
maybe i could let this end
if you hadn't been max
maybe i could let this end.

your layers of blue light
in my face
so i want to be in a different place.
that cigarette burn
has turned me in
to a character in an empty dream
and i wish i could scream
make the colors calm down
in the same town
in a dream
chlorine hurting my eyes
but i don't want to come out of the pool
because i'm waiting for you.