title too hard to think of

I feel so sad.

And tired. Anyway. Today I woke up, washed my face, and made breakfast. That is good. I will continue attempting at a daily routine. Cleansing myself. Also not drinking coffee. Eventually after that, I walked to Main Street and went and bought a pair of shoes, a pair of sunglasses, and two records--a 33 and a 45. A Louis Armstrong and an Unknown. Right now I'm sitting in the living room and my dad is watching some Rolling Stones dvd. I feel like crying it's so sweet and sad and real. Rod told me I will probably break down once or twice because of the molly. I didn't think it would actually happen but now I just kind of feel like it HAS to happen. This song playing is "Wild Horses"? People look so beautiful and I feel so sorry for them. This is so sad, this song and the people's faces. It's so beautiful. Sorry, I'm having a hard time concentrating on what I'm writing because of this song. It just ended though. Ok.

But yeah, so Rod said I would probably cry at some point. I figured that wouldn't actually happen. Like, I kind of imagined that it wouldn't really be a side effect like he said. I guess maybe he wasn't saying that it would be a side effect though. Really, it just feels more like something that makes sense. I really want to cry and now I know that I probably will. He also told me that it's not really a bad thing. He tried to tell me how it's like a give and take. You can't have all that happiness without having this sadness afterward. I wish I could remember exactly what else he said--about it not being a bad thing to feel this. But it does feel really really sad. Really sad.

I should probably be focusing on the things I've been writing about privately for the past couple of weeks. My personal goals or whatever. Well, today I feel good that I went for a walk to Main Street and looked around a bit, and I listened to music, and I turned my phone off because I think a big part of having real good alone time is to not have a phone with you, either. I'm glad that I did that today. I need to keep doing stuff like this. I will, right? Going outside by myself. Walking. Listening to music. Maybe I'll take pictures. No phone, no phone. Visit the dog at the record store--her name is Ginger. She's a yellow lab who followed me around the store. I wonder if she remembered me or if she just liked me and how I was petting her. I think it might be both, even if it's a sort of subconscious recognition that she finds in me. Drink green tea.

What I feel like I should be doing is thinking about how it is January 2nd now. I've been anticipating the new year this year more than ever. I've been thinking about changes I want to make for the past few weeks. New Year's day doesn't really count as new year's day, because I woke up at CoSM and I just started drinking again and I really can't even put together the 24 hours from when I got to CoSM to when I left. Or something. It's not even really important. Right now I just know that the new year is honestly here, and I have to try. I'm going to, aren't I? I have this blog now, which is public. Maybe that's a good thing. I've been writing in my private one and on paper a LOT recently. Stuff I don't really want anyone to see. Every day. Stuff I don't edit and make sure that it makes sense. Even when I do that, it doesn't always work. But honestly, even though I'm not sure how much it did, I'm glad I got into that habit. I just need some fucking habits that aren't bad for me or that don't make me sick. I need routines. So anyway, what I'm saying is that I've been writing every day. And I think that is good. And now I have this blog, too, and maybe I'll start writing in this, too. This whole part was mostly for any readers--not really for me. As if it matters.

Hopefully i won't do that too much--you know, defending myself and all. I have a bad habit of feeling like I have to defend myself. So back to whatever else. The new year and my friend molly have finally come and left me here.