blue in green and boys and girls

Well, as I type here at 2:20 am, I am listening to Miles Davis's "Blue in Green." Mmm it's off of the album Kind of Blue, which is of course a recommendation from a good person, since I've never gotten into jazz really before. This song is also the one that I immediately liked on the train to the city today. The sun was just about dipping beneath the horizon and it was silver blue grey white gold. And reflections on the windows of tall old building that you pass on the train in New Jersey. I love riding the train. Sometimes it feels so strange, because it's just passing all of these towns that look like they were once new and full of some sort of new hope and excitement. I feel like they're all grey now. And I live in one of those towns, but I still like it. It's pretty grey. Maybe everything is? My dreams almost always are.

Anyway, I had other things I felt like writing. At least I thought I did. Started a book last night, about the importance of feminism. Never thought I would do that, but I have to say--nothing has had this sort of effect on me since I can remember. Honestly. Just because there are these stupid things I think about every single day, and looking at it from this other point of view has sort of simplified it. Fuck! It's pretty cool. Still, could I say I'm a feminist or not? I don't really care. Elliott Smith was into feminism for a while.. he thought it was really cool, apparently. And he felt so trapped as a straight white male. He felt like he had nothing to fight for almost. I was so sad when I found that out, because I've felt like that a lot just as a straight white female. Or even just a female. Until I found that out about him, I hadn't thought of being a girl as something I could possibly be proud of. I've never been proud of it. But then he made me think--I don't know, this is one of those things where I realize that I can't even figure out how to express my thoughts on it. I'm just really glad my mind is working in a different way right now. I can't really explain it.

I wanted to complain about orthodontists, but I can do that any time. I should sleep now. I'm aiming to sleep by 3 o' clock from now on. It's 2:34. I never go to sleep when I say I will. Can I do it? Can I do it? Can I do it?