It seems like there is this feeling when you're tripping and you're around people who aren't--a questioning of whether you should hide the fact that you're tripping by attempting at normal conversation, OR just tell the people you're with what's going on and have the weight lifted off of your shoulders. Of course, you could also just not tell them what's going on and act however you are actually feeling, without holding back; in that case, they'll either figure it out or they won't.
I guess an interesting thing about psychedelics is that when you go back to every day life you can't help but realize that some such feelings are ones that you have always experienced and just never thought about. I remember one particular day in class last semester.. I realized I was insanely uncomfortable. A weird day I guess. And I couldn't help but get that feeling. I felt so strange and just like I was watching this weird room full of people sitting in rows and I didn't understand how everyone was just doing this and they were fine. I mean everyone gets that sometimes--so I just felt really separate at the time. I was sitting with my friends because I thought I should. But I wasn't sure if I should break the barrier and tell them that I felt really really weird (because honestly it was really overwhelming at the time) or just try to suppress it and pretend that I felt normal and talk to them normally. I didn't really want to talk to them about it at all. But the only other option was to try to calm down--which wasn't working. So pretty much, I avoided talking to them as much as possible.
Whatever, it's just funny because I remember tripping and feeling really confused sometimes because I felt like there was no way to be natural. I could NOT hold back--but then I would be really aware of it and it would make me feel like I have to be alone. Or i COULD hold back, but that was even harder and made me feel like I might explode if I didn't go somewhere by myself. Wait, this isn't even making sense anymore. But I'm saying it happens a lot more than only when I'm tripping.
Too bad I'm awful with words.
(title=elliott.)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
it can happen.
Today I ended up hanging out with a couple friends from high school. I was surrounded by J's. That is, Juliana, Jimbob, and eventually we met up with Julie--in some places aka Nonsense. It's great, because Julie and Jimbob both write songs, and whenever I get to hear Julie play it really makes me feel like YES I want to write music right now. Well, it's 5 am, and now that I'm no longer hanging out with them I decided the first thing I should do is see if I can get something going with all that leftover inspiration--and just that feeling that I have the ability to actually do things. I mean, writing music. It's not so hard I think, if I just let things go and stop worrying so much about how things might come off. If there's something you don't like about what you're doing, just change it. Of course, sometimes that's way harder than it would seem. But right now it feels easy.
all the plans that were planned and fell through--where did they go when they left me and you? did they go into the red? or into the blue? i can't see. and the colors get lost in my head, they get lost inside of my brain, and they run until morning.. and i know i'll never know until they come through.
I found this old fox stuffed animal in my house today. It's my new best friend.
all the plans that were planned and fell through--where did they go when they left me and you? did they go into the red? or into the blue? i can't see. and the colors get lost in my head, they get lost inside of my brain, and they run until morning.. and i know i'll never know until they come through.
I found this old fox stuffed animal in my house today. It's my new best friend.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
mmm melatonin
I remember when I was really into lucid dreaming, someone mentioned melatonin to me. Some people have more vivid dreams by taking melatonin. I just looked it up on wikipedia (yes) and thought it seemed pretty cool that, well, apparently it's sometimes called the "hormone of darkness" because it needs darkness to act. I've always hated white light/blue light/fluorescent light, too. And apparently melatonin is lost if your exposed to it too much, and also if your exposed to any light too much--in general. And alas, we probably are exposed to too much light, as people in the 21st century who always have artificial lighting to help us out when the sun goes down...
Basically, I want to help out my hormone of darkness. Fuck fluorescent light! And I want to try taking melatonin to see if it would help out with the "vividness" of my dreams.
Also:
"Since it is principally blue light that suppresses melatonin, wearing glasses that block blue light in the hours before bedtime may avoid melatonin loss. Use of blue-blocking goggles the last hours before bedtime has also been advised for people who need to adjust to an earlier bedtime, as melatonin promotes sleepiness."
Maybe to get back on to a regular sleep schedule, like sleep beFORE 4am, I could even pick myself up a pair of "blue-blocking goggles" at my local Sleep Boutique. Dream Cafe. Slumber Emporium.
..i'm opening one of those.
Basically, I want to help out my hormone of darkness. Fuck fluorescent light! And I want to try taking melatonin to see if it would help out with the "vividness" of my dreams.
Also:
"Since it is principally blue light that suppresses melatonin, wearing glasses that block blue light in the hours before bedtime may avoid melatonin loss. Use of blue-blocking goggles the last hours before bedtime has also been advised for people who need to adjust to an earlier bedtime, as melatonin promotes sleepiness."
Maybe to get back on to a regular sleep schedule, like sleep beFORE 4am, I could even pick myself up a pair of "blue-blocking goggles" at my local Sleep Boutique. Dream Cafe. Slumber Emporium.
..i'm opening one of those.
Friday, January 8, 2010
oh.
It's 5 am again. I'm tired. It's snowing. Yay.
It's funny because I was driving high earlier, listening to music, remembering how that is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes I think I could do it forever. I always need to have a destination for comfort or something, but I hate when I get to the destination. I drive as slow as I can without it being too suspicious. Every once in a while I can accelerate and it feels good. But just driving stoned and listening to music that I can live inside in, happily, is so great. Of course, it also made me think about how last summer I told someone that, and they said they used to do the same thing in their hometown all the time especially on this one road. And when I thought about this person telling me that, I thought it was so sweet and it also made me sad. But I still wanted to keep driving. I was going home, but I didn't want to get there so when I was almost home I stopped to see if I could visit a friend who lived another 20 minutes away. So at 2am I went there and it was cool for a little because I hadn't seen that friend in a while. Eventually I went home and it was snowing and I still didn't want to ever get to my destination except that I was, and am, pretty tired. So now I'm home. The snow is pretty. I thought of Edward Scissorhands. Is Tim Burton's book a creepy gift for someone you like? I hope not. I think anything is creepy if you give it to the wrong person. Anything can be anything to different people.
How obvious is that? I'm sorry, I'm just very tired. I got more music again today and it won't stop because I just keep getting more, paying or not, and I hope I listen to everything. It's so exciting. I want to watch more movies too. I want to go to places of boldness and sometimes high contrast. And vivid-ness. Textured. I want to read more Calvin and Hobbes and revert back to childhood and do those crazy things I never did like pretend I'm in a spaceship and the teacher is an alien and be over dramatic because who really cares? Haha let's just fuck around with everyone. In the good way. That's what I wanna do. I like it when someone pops into my world and shows me something I've never seen or that I just forgot about. It'd be cool to do that myself, too.
It's funny because I was driving high earlier, listening to music, remembering how that is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes I think I could do it forever. I always need to have a destination for comfort or something, but I hate when I get to the destination. I drive as slow as I can without it being too suspicious. Every once in a while I can accelerate and it feels good. But just driving stoned and listening to music that I can live inside in, happily, is so great. Of course, it also made me think about how last summer I told someone that, and they said they used to do the same thing in their hometown all the time especially on this one road. And when I thought about this person telling me that, I thought it was so sweet and it also made me sad. But I still wanted to keep driving. I was going home, but I didn't want to get there so when I was almost home I stopped to see if I could visit a friend who lived another 20 minutes away. So at 2am I went there and it was cool for a little because I hadn't seen that friend in a while. Eventually I went home and it was snowing and I still didn't want to ever get to my destination except that I was, and am, pretty tired. So now I'm home. The snow is pretty. I thought of Edward Scissorhands. Is Tim Burton's book a creepy gift for someone you like? I hope not. I think anything is creepy if you give it to the wrong person. Anything can be anything to different people.
How obvious is that? I'm sorry, I'm just very tired. I got more music again today and it won't stop because I just keep getting more, paying or not, and I hope I listen to everything. It's so exciting. I want to watch more movies too. I want to go to places of boldness and sometimes high contrast. And vivid-ness. Textured. I want to read more Calvin and Hobbes and revert back to childhood and do those crazy things I never did like pretend I'm in a spaceship and the teacher is an alien and be over dramatic because who really cares? Haha let's just fuck around with everyone. In the good way. That's what I wanna do. I like it when someone pops into my world and shows me something I've never seen or that I just forgot about. It'd be cool to do that myself, too.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
..kate hudson and dreams?
I've been feeling ok this week, but I've still been having dreams about people that I thought I was getting over. People I didn't want to think about. It's funny how that happens. I'm trying not to let it bother me.
This is a random dream I had a couple nights ago. I wrote it down. Not very exciting, but this is it. The whole Kate Hudson thing is really kind of funny, and totally unexpected.
"My dream last night, well, it's hard to remember most of it. I remember the end though. Kate Hudson was in this dream.. and she was amazing. She was my comfort. Random, huh? I think it wasn't really THE Kate Hudson in the dream though. Anyway, I think she and I and some other people worked at this shop/store, like an antique shop. There was a lot of wood in it. It had this golden beautiful woodsy feel. Very yellow I guess. Dimly lit, yellow light. I don't remember many other colors (at ALL) aside from brown and gold and yellow. And Kate with her bright golden hair and an off-white long-sleeve shirt on. So she very much blended in there, even though she stood out. There was a counter which had other objects on display--one of those long counters which people like us probably stood behind to talk to customers. So there was this other girl there, too, who had upset me. I cannot remember for the life of me what she looked like. In fact, I keep getting confused because I feel like she might have looked like Kate Hudson, too. I had been with this other girl and Kate, and this other girl and I had some weird sort of tension that wasn't really being addressed until I started to say that I couldn't really handle the situation anymore and that I had to walk away from it--or something along those lines. And this girl was not happy about that. And she got more angry at me, and I started to get really uncomfortable, so eventually I somehow said I had to go and I just walked away from the conversation. Kate had been there the whole time, but she had only looked at me in a terribly concerned way. It was like she was an angel that the other girl and anyone else didn't really see. I mean, she didn't defend me, but she didn't need to, either. And once I had walked away from it, she was with me. We started talking a little and I started picking up boxes that I needed to move or something. And she suddenly had this terribly sweet expression, and a concerned smile, and she said I didn't need to try doing work since I was obviously upset. We sat on the floor with the box after she helped me and I started going through the box because I guess that's what I had to do. She helped me with that work too, which isn't really important. Because at the same time, she talked to me. She was basically trying to tell me not to worry. I remember telling her, "It's just embarrassing, because I could tell that I felt like crying, and I knew I just had to get away and I would be ok. I just didn't want to cry like that, and I felt like a little kid again." Stuff like that. Then I actually did cry. A few tears in front of her. I dried my eyes quickly, because I could tell it would pass soon. Once I started crying though, I think Kate took (whatever I was holding, a statue?) out of my hand, because she didn't want me pushing myself and trying to get work done. She thought I was trying to hard. I don't remember what else we talked about except when she said that the other girl (who had made me sad) didn't have work tomorrow, but she (Kate) did. So she said, basically, "isn't it cool? that me and you both have work together tomorrow, and we don't have to worry about those other guys being here?" She was so sweet. I remember feeling weird, because it feels like when you break down like that in front of someone, that you can't be real friends. For some reason. I was wondering if she really wanted to be my friend or if she just wanted to make sure I was ok, you know? I hate when things are awkward after situations like that. Then I feel like I owe that person. But really.. I think she was the most pure thing ever, in the dream. I don't think she was irritated the least bit by me. She was just so sweet. I guess I always liked Kate Hudson. Weird.."
I cut out the last couple of sentences. I couldn't decide whether or not they were a weird thing for me to post. Wait, what? Anyway.
This is a random dream I had a couple nights ago. I wrote it down. Not very exciting, but this is it. The whole Kate Hudson thing is really kind of funny, and totally unexpected.
"My dream last night, well, it's hard to remember most of it. I remember the end though. Kate Hudson was in this dream.. and she was amazing. She was my comfort. Random, huh? I think it wasn't really THE Kate Hudson in the dream though. Anyway, I think she and I and some other people worked at this shop/store, like an antique shop. There was a lot of wood in it. It had this golden beautiful woodsy feel. Very yellow I guess. Dimly lit, yellow light. I don't remember many other colors (at ALL) aside from brown and gold and yellow. And Kate with her bright golden hair and an off-white long-sleeve shirt on. So she very much blended in there, even though she stood out. There was a counter which had other objects on display--one of those long counters which people like us probably stood behind to talk to customers. So there was this other girl there, too, who had upset me. I cannot remember for the life of me what she looked like. In fact, I keep getting confused because I feel like she might have looked like Kate Hudson, too. I had been with this other girl and Kate, and this other girl and I had some weird sort of tension that wasn't really being addressed until I started to say that I couldn't really handle the situation anymore and that I had to walk away from it--or something along those lines. And this girl was not happy about that. And she got more angry at me, and I started to get really uncomfortable, so eventually I somehow said I had to go and I just walked away from the conversation. Kate had been there the whole time, but she had only looked at me in a terribly concerned way. It was like she was an angel that the other girl and anyone else didn't really see. I mean, she didn't defend me, but she didn't need to, either. And once I had walked away from it, she was with me. We started talking a little and I started picking up boxes that I needed to move or something. And she suddenly had this terribly sweet expression, and a concerned smile, and she said I didn't need to try doing work since I was obviously upset. We sat on the floor with the box after she helped me and I started going through the box because I guess that's what I had to do. She helped me with that work too, which isn't really important. Because at the same time, she talked to me. She was basically trying to tell me not to worry. I remember telling her, "It's just embarrassing, because I could tell that I felt like crying, and I knew I just had to get away and I would be ok. I just didn't want to cry like that, and I felt like a little kid again." Stuff like that. Then I actually did cry. A few tears in front of her. I dried my eyes quickly, because I could tell it would pass soon. Once I started crying though, I think Kate took (whatever I was holding, a statue?) out of my hand, because she didn't want me pushing myself and trying to get work done. She thought I was trying to hard. I don't remember what else we talked about except when she said that the other girl (who had made me sad) didn't have work tomorrow, but she (Kate) did. So she said, basically, "isn't it cool? that me and you both have work together tomorrow, and we don't have to worry about those other guys being here?" She was so sweet. I remember feeling weird, because it feels like when you break down like that in front of someone, that you can't be real friends. For some reason. I was wondering if she really wanted to be my friend or if she just wanted to make sure I was ok, you know? I hate when things are awkward after situations like that. Then I feel like I owe that person. But really.. I think she was the most pure thing ever, in the dream. I don't think she was irritated the least bit by me. She was just so sweet. I guess I always liked Kate Hudson. Weird.."
I cut out the last couple of sentences. I couldn't decide whether or not they were a weird thing for me to post. Wait, what? Anyway.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
contradictory epiphany maybe me
So, "Seth", I like what you had to say about that other post of mine. I really do. I agree with most of it too.
Also, however, it made me think. Right now I'm so TIRED of keeping my options OPEN. Fuck keeping my options open. Fuckkk keeping my options open.
So many new ways of thinking like that keep popping into my head now. So many things that are insanely obvious but that I just ignored until 2 days ago. I'm so glad, too, because it's the new year blah blah blah and things are supposed to be different, and I honestly hoped to hell they would be different. And I think they are. So far, at least. Who knows. But I know that I'm sick of trying so hard to keep my options open and fuck, there will always be some asshole judging me and you and everyone we know. (that's a movie title? i need to re-view that one.) Either way, this is what came out of me today. A combination of this "fuck that" attitude and the one in which I can't help but care. I mean, I'll still always have both of them:
i sat down next to you
i had no idea, the significance
a child running by can prove
all we've ever done is wished ever since
we were children, unaware
i would sit next to you.
who knew things on the wall
could make such a pretty blue around you?
you said i should smoke reds
i had no idea, the significance
so we traded cigarettes
and i've had a hole in my stockings ever since
the sparkling cellophane was in your eyes
when we were holding hands
and layers of blue light on blue light
like hair they would dance.
i'll try to stop trying so hard.
make your face in brooklyn,
make your face thousands away far.
i'll try to make it known, once or twice.
i certainly won't forget,
but i'm learning to pretend
i'm not so nice.
i bought a record for you for me.
i listened and realized it was warped;
i don't know what isn't.
we can only wait and see
if you come back
and you live in my future home in the present
will you help me decide
which home mine isn't?
i can never remember if you said
"yes" sarcastically, or "no" sarcastically
but i know, either way
you meant the same thing for me
when you--led me out
of the room to the tree, and he
set the doves free, but not where
they're meant to be--
take me back so we can climb.
there's a jacket at the top
and a blanket for both of us
all the time.
if the 12 hours never happened
maybe i could let this end
if you hadn't been max
maybe i could let this end.
your layers of blue light
in my face
so i want to be in a different place.
that cigarette burn
has turned me in
to a character in an empty dream
and i wish i could scream
make the colors calm down
in the same town
in a dream
chlorine hurting my eyes
but i don't want to come out of the pool
because i'm waiting for you.
Also, however, it made me think. Right now I'm so TIRED of keeping my options OPEN. Fuck keeping my options open. Fuckkk keeping my options open.
So many new ways of thinking like that keep popping into my head now. So many things that are insanely obvious but that I just ignored until 2 days ago. I'm so glad, too, because it's the new year blah blah blah and things are supposed to be different, and I honestly hoped to hell they would be different. And I think they are. So far, at least. Who knows. But I know that I'm sick of trying so hard to keep my options open and fuck, there will always be some asshole judging me and you and everyone we know. (that's a movie title? i need to re-view that one.) Either way, this is what came out of me today. A combination of this "fuck that" attitude and the one in which I can't help but care. I mean, I'll still always have both of them:
i sat down next to you
i had no idea, the significance
a child running by can prove
all we've ever done is wished ever since
we were children, unaware
i would sit next to you.
who knew things on the wall
could make such a pretty blue around you?
you said i should smoke reds
i had no idea, the significance
so we traded cigarettes
and i've had a hole in my stockings ever since
the sparkling cellophane was in your eyes
when we were holding hands
and layers of blue light on blue light
like hair they would dance.
i'll try to stop trying so hard.
make your face in brooklyn,
make your face thousands away far.
i'll try to make it known, once or twice.
i certainly won't forget,
but i'm learning to pretend
i'm not so nice.
i bought a record for you for me.
i listened and realized it was warped;
i don't know what isn't.
we can only wait and see
if you come back
and you live in my future home in the present
will you help me decide
which home mine isn't?
i can never remember if you said
"yes" sarcastically, or "no" sarcastically
but i know, either way
you meant the same thing for me
when you--led me out
of the room to the tree, and he
set the doves free, but not where
they're meant to be--
take me back so we can climb.
there's a jacket at the top
and a blanket for both of us
all the time.
if the 12 hours never happened
maybe i could let this end
if you hadn't been max
maybe i could let this end.
your layers of blue light
in my face
so i want to be in a different place.
that cigarette burn
has turned me in
to a character in an empty dream
and i wish i could scream
make the colors calm down
in the same town
in a dream
chlorine hurting my eyes
but i don't want to come out of the pool
because i'm waiting for you.
Monday, January 4, 2010
blue in green and boys and girls
Well, as I type here at 2:20 am, I am listening to Miles Davis's "Blue in Green." Mmm it's off of the album Kind of Blue, which is of course a recommendation from a good person, since I've never gotten into jazz really before. This song is also the one that I immediately liked on the train to the city today. The sun was just about dipping beneath the horizon and it was silver blue grey white gold. And reflections on the windows of tall old building that you pass on the train in New Jersey. I love riding the train. Sometimes it feels so strange, because it's just passing all of these towns that look like they were once new and full of some sort of new hope and excitement. I feel like they're all grey now. And I live in one of those towns, but I still like it. It's pretty grey. Maybe everything is? My dreams almost always are.
Anyway, I had other things I felt like writing. At least I thought I did. Started a book last night, about the importance of feminism. Never thought I would do that, but I have to say--nothing has had this sort of effect on me since I can remember. Honestly. Just because there are these stupid things I think about every single day, and looking at it from this other point of view has sort of simplified it. Fuck! It's pretty cool. Still, could I say I'm a feminist or not? I don't really care. Elliott Smith was into feminism for a while.. he thought it was really cool, apparently. And he felt so trapped as a straight white male. He felt like he had nothing to fight for almost. I was so sad when I found that out, because I've felt like that a lot just as a straight white female. Or even just a female. Until I found that out about him, I hadn't thought of being a girl as something I could possibly be proud of. I've never been proud of it. But then he made me think--I don't know, this is one of those things where I realize that I can't even figure out how to express my thoughts on it. I'm just really glad my mind is working in a different way right now. I can't really explain it.
I wanted to complain about orthodontists, but I can do that any time. I should sleep now. I'm aiming to sleep by 3 o' clock from now on. It's 2:34. I never go to sleep when I say I will. Can I do it? Can I do it? Can I do it?
Anyway, I had other things I felt like writing. At least I thought I did. Started a book last night, about the importance of feminism. Never thought I would do that, but I have to say--nothing has had this sort of effect on me since I can remember. Honestly. Just because there are these stupid things I think about every single day, and looking at it from this other point of view has sort of simplified it. Fuck! It's pretty cool. Still, could I say I'm a feminist or not? I don't really care. Elliott Smith was into feminism for a while.. he thought it was really cool, apparently. And he felt so trapped as a straight white male. He felt like he had nothing to fight for almost. I was so sad when I found that out, because I've felt like that a lot just as a straight white female. Or even just a female. Until I found that out about him, I hadn't thought of being a girl as something I could possibly be proud of. I've never been proud of it. But then he made me think--I don't know, this is one of those things where I realize that I can't even figure out how to express my thoughts on it. I'm just really glad my mind is working in a different way right now. I can't really explain it.
I wanted to complain about orthodontists, but I can do that any time. I should sleep now. I'm aiming to sleep by 3 o' clock from now on. It's 2:34. I never go to sleep when I say I will. Can I do it? Can I do it? Can I do it?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
tragic and beautiful?
This takes quite some effort.
I just wrote in my "private blog" for the second time today. I've been thinking a lot about how I have to sort of get past certain people and memories. At first I was thinking that I need to get better at dismissing people. But dismissing... well, I don't think that's the word I was really looking for. I've decided that I still don't think that being dismissive is ever really right. These people and memories of them that linger forever on my mind are causing me problems, but that doesn't mean that I should just dismiss them. I can't obsess--nor can I dismiss.. so I think I just need to accept?
It's just that I let strangers occupy my mind so much. It makes sense though; since I don't know them as well, it's easier for me to see them as the answer to everything. It's pretty silly, really, to cry over someone imaginary when you have real, good people right in front of you. I can't figure out how to change though. I always love the imaginary people. It'll have to stop eventually. Or sometimes I get hung up on people who I know don't see me having a role in their life. It's often one memory in particular--or a few--that won't let me get over something. Examples, here. Imaginary person I am in love with--he is over in California right now. I think about him every day. It's sad. I only hung out with him once, for 12 hours or something, but I remember it. Since he is so far away now, and I missed getting the chance to see him again, I seem to have convinced myself that I missed some insanely great connection. On the other hand, someone who started out as imaginary (as most people do) and eventually became a real character in my life--he lives in Brooklyn. We hung out a lot over the summer, and I never really said the things that mattered. I know I am not a concern to him anymore, but there are these little things I remember that won't let me just be ok with it. It's always a little memory that is so beautiful, too much to let go of, even though I can't seem to be alright as long as I have the memory without the person that goes with it. (does that make sense?) The biggest one with him, is this one day when we were walking by McCarren Park. We started talking about our parents. Then he started telling me about his dad, and how goofy his dad could be; apparently he would tell really cheesy jokes, and then do this really silly laugh by himself while he sort of elbowed whoever may have been next to him. I can see Sean saying this about his dad while he looked off into the distance, clearly envisioning dozens of broken old memories while he smiled and described them to me. And that's one of those things about Sean that tells me--well, even when people say "fuck him", "he's an asshole", or whatever other shit might comfort me for a second, I can still recall that little memory and secretly know that he is still beautiful, and sweet, and I could never really just dismiss him despite his asshole side.
I've always wished I could express myself better, but hopefully this all makes sense. It seems to come back to acceptance again. And my whole "tragic and beautiful" thing--something that I decided everything secretly revolves around. I've also forgotten how much movies can affect me. When I was thinking of all this, three movies popped into my head. Just some specific little parts. Some quotes here.. on my mind lately:
"You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her?" (Amelie.)
"You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you." (Before Sunrise.)
"People can lead their life as a lie. My grandmother, she was married to this man, and I always thought she had a very simple, uncomplicated love life. But she just confessed to me that she spent her whole life dreaming about another man she was always in love with. She just accepted her fate. It's so sad.
--I guarantee you, it was better that way. If she'd ever got to know him, I'm sure he would have disappointed her eventually.
--How do you know? You don't know them.
--Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality." (Before Sunrise.)
And the last movie... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I know, everyone knows this movie, but it's one that.. well, the whole idea of these memories that are holding you back. I didn't think of a quote, except for the part when he yells "I want to call it off!" Just.. the memories that you're so angry that you have. You wish you could just forget, because then you could move on and be fine. But really, the memories are just too beautiful to let go of. So you hold on to them, even though it might make you more sad.
I just wrote in my "private blog" for the second time today. I've been thinking a lot about how I have to sort of get past certain people and memories. At first I was thinking that I need to get better at dismissing people. But dismissing... well, I don't think that's the word I was really looking for. I've decided that I still don't think that being dismissive is ever really right. These people and memories of them that linger forever on my mind are causing me problems, but that doesn't mean that I should just dismiss them. I can't obsess--nor can I dismiss.. so I think I just need to accept?
It's just that I let strangers occupy my mind so much. It makes sense though; since I don't know them as well, it's easier for me to see them as the answer to everything. It's pretty silly, really, to cry over someone imaginary when you have real, good people right in front of you. I can't figure out how to change though. I always love the imaginary people. It'll have to stop eventually. Or sometimes I get hung up on people who I know don't see me having a role in their life. It's often one memory in particular--or a few--that won't let me get over something. Examples, here. Imaginary person I am in love with--he is over in California right now. I think about him every day. It's sad. I only hung out with him once, for 12 hours or something, but I remember it. Since he is so far away now, and I missed getting the chance to see him again, I seem to have convinced myself that I missed some insanely great connection. On the other hand, someone who started out as imaginary (as most people do) and eventually became a real character in my life--he lives in Brooklyn. We hung out a lot over the summer, and I never really said the things that mattered. I know I am not a concern to him anymore, but there are these little things I remember that won't let me just be ok with it. It's always a little memory that is so beautiful, too much to let go of, even though I can't seem to be alright as long as I have the memory without the person that goes with it. (does that make sense?) The biggest one with him, is this one day when we were walking by McCarren Park. We started talking about our parents. Then he started telling me about his dad, and how goofy his dad could be; apparently he would tell really cheesy jokes, and then do this really silly laugh by himself while he sort of elbowed whoever may have been next to him. I can see Sean saying this about his dad while he looked off into the distance, clearly envisioning dozens of broken old memories while he smiled and described them to me. And that's one of those things about Sean that tells me--well, even when people say "fuck him", "he's an asshole", or whatever other shit might comfort me for a second, I can still recall that little memory and secretly know that he is still beautiful, and sweet, and I could never really just dismiss him despite his asshole side.
I've always wished I could express myself better, but hopefully this all makes sense. It seems to come back to acceptance again. And my whole "tragic and beautiful" thing--something that I decided everything secretly revolves around. I've also forgotten how much movies can affect me. When I was thinking of all this, three movies popped into my head. Just some specific little parts. Some quotes here.. on my mind lately:
"You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her?" (Amelie.)
"You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you." (Before Sunrise.)
"People can lead their life as a lie. My grandmother, she was married to this man, and I always thought she had a very simple, uncomplicated love life. But she just confessed to me that she spent her whole life dreaming about another man she was always in love with. She just accepted her fate. It's so sad.
--I guarantee you, it was better that way. If she'd ever got to know him, I'm sure he would have disappointed her eventually.
--How do you know? You don't know them.
--Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality." (Before Sunrise.)
And the last movie... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I know, everyone knows this movie, but it's one that.. well, the whole idea of these memories that are holding you back. I didn't think of a quote, except for the part when he yells "I want to call it off!" Just.. the memories that you're so angry that you have. You wish you could just forget, because then you could move on and be fine. But really, the memories are just too beautiful to let go of. So you hold on to them, even though it might make you more sad.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
title too hard to think of
I feel so sad.
And tired. Anyway. Today I woke up, washed my face, and made breakfast. That is good. I will continue attempting at a daily routine. Cleansing myself. Also not drinking coffee. Eventually after that, I walked to Main Street and went and bought a pair of shoes, a pair of sunglasses, and two records--a 33 and a 45. A Louis Armstrong and an Unknown. Right now I'm sitting in the living room and my dad is watching some Rolling Stones dvd. I feel like crying it's so sweet and sad and real. Rod told me I will probably break down once or twice because of the molly. I didn't think it would actually happen but now I just kind of feel like it HAS to happen. This song playing is "Wild Horses"? People look so beautiful and I feel so sorry for them. This is so sad, this song and the people's faces. It's so beautiful. Sorry, I'm having a hard time concentrating on what I'm writing because of this song. It just ended though. Ok.
But yeah, so Rod said I would probably cry at some point. I figured that wouldn't actually happen. Like, I kind of imagined that it wouldn't really be a side effect like he said. I guess maybe he wasn't saying that it would be a side effect though. Really, it just feels more like something that makes sense. I really want to cry and now I know that I probably will. He also told me that it's not really a bad thing. He tried to tell me how it's like a give and take. You can't have all that happiness without having this sadness afterward. I wish I could remember exactly what else he said--about it not being a bad thing to feel this. But it does feel really really sad. Really sad.
I should probably be focusing on the things I've been writing about privately for the past couple of weeks. My personal goals or whatever. Well, today I feel good that I went for a walk to Main Street and looked around a bit, and I listened to music, and I turned my phone off because I think a big part of having real good alone time is to not have a phone with you, either. I'm glad that I did that today. I need to keep doing stuff like this. I will, right? Going outside by myself. Walking. Listening to music. Maybe I'll take pictures. No phone, no phone. Visit the dog at the record store--her name is Ginger. She's a yellow lab who followed me around the store. I wonder if she remembered me or if she just liked me and how I was petting her. I think it might be both, even if it's a sort of subconscious recognition that she finds in me. Drink green tea.
What I feel like I should be doing is thinking about how it is January 2nd now. I've been anticipating the new year this year more than ever. I've been thinking about changes I want to make for the past few weeks. New Year's day doesn't really count as new year's day, because I woke up at CoSM and I just started drinking again and I really can't even put together the 24 hours from when I got to CoSM to when I left. Or something. It's not even really important. Right now I just know that the new year is honestly here, and I have to try. I'm going to, aren't I? I have this blog now, which is public. Maybe that's a good thing. I've been writing in my private one and on paper a LOT recently. Stuff I don't really want anyone to see. Every day. Stuff I don't edit and make sure that it makes sense. Even when I do that, it doesn't always work. But honestly, even though I'm not sure how much it did, I'm glad I got into that habit. I just need some fucking habits that aren't bad for me or that don't make me sick. I need routines. So anyway, what I'm saying is that I've been writing every day. And I think that is good. And now I have this blog, too, and maybe I'll start writing in this, too. This whole part was mostly for any readers--not really for me. As if it matters.
Hopefully i won't do that too much--you know, defending myself and all. I have a bad habit of feeling like I have to defend myself. So back to whatever else. The new year and my friend molly have finally come and left me here.
And tired. Anyway. Today I woke up, washed my face, and made breakfast. That is good. I will continue attempting at a daily routine. Cleansing myself. Also not drinking coffee. Eventually after that, I walked to Main Street and went and bought a pair of shoes, a pair of sunglasses, and two records--a 33 and a 45. A Louis Armstrong and an Unknown. Right now I'm sitting in the living room and my dad is watching some Rolling Stones dvd. I feel like crying it's so sweet and sad and real. Rod told me I will probably break down once or twice because of the molly. I didn't think it would actually happen but now I just kind of feel like it HAS to happen. This song playing is "Wild Horses"? People look so beautiful and I feel so sorry for them. This is so sad, this song and the people's faces. It's so beautiful. Sorry, I'm having a hard time concentrating on what I'm writing because of this song. It just ended though. Ok.
But yeah, so Rod said I would probably cry at some point. I figured that wouldn't actually happen. Like, I kind of imagined that it wouldn't really be a side effect like he said. I guess maybe he wasn't saying that it would be a side effect though. Really, it just feels more like something that makes sense. I really want to cry and now I know that I probably will. He also told me that it's not really a bad thing. He tried to tell me how it's like a give and take. You can't have all that happiness without having this sadness afterward. I wish I could remember exactly what else he said--about it not being a bad thing to feel this. But it does feel really really sad. Really sad.
I should probably be focusing on the things I've been writing about privately for the past couple of weeks. My personal goals or whatever. Well, today I feel good that I went for a walk to Main Street and looked around a bit, and I listened to music, and I turned my phone off because I think a big part of having real good alone time is to not have a phone with you, either. I'm glad that I did that today. I need to keep doing stuff like this. I will, right? Going outside by myself. Walking. Listening to music. Maybe I'll take pictures. No phone, no phone. Visit the dog at the record store--her name is Ginger. She's a yellow lab who followed me around the store. I wonder if she remembered me or if she just liked me and how I was petting her. I think it might be both, even if it's a sort of subconscious recognition that she finds in me. Drink green tea.
What I feel like I should be doing is thinking about how it is January 2nd now. I've been anticipating the new year this year more than ever. I've been thinking about changes I want to make for the past few weeks. New Year's day doesn't really count as new year's day, because I woke up at CoSM and I just started drinking again and I really can't even put together the 24 hours from when I got to CoSM to when I left. Or something. It's not even really important. Right now I just know that the new year is honestly here, and I have to try. I'm going to, aren't I? I have this blog now, which is public. Maybe that's a good thing. I've been writing in my private one and on paper a LOT recently. Stuff I don't really want anyone to see. Every day. Stuff I don't edit and make sure that it makes sense. Even when I do that, it doesn't always work. But honestly, even though I'm not sure how much it did, I'm glad I got into that habit. I just need some fucking habits that aren't bad for me or that don't make me sick. I need routines. So anyway, what I'm saying is that I've been writing every day. And I think that is good. And now I have this blog, too, and maybe I'll start writing in this, too. This whole part was mostly for any readers--not really for me. As if it matters.
Hopefully i won't do that too much--you know, defending myself and all. I have a bad habit of feeling like I have to defend myself. So back to whatever else. The new year and my friend molly have finally come and left me here.
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