beautiful fish

When I woke up today, I started talking about how I had an awesome dream about awesome fish. I was in some world where fish played a large role--well, in fact, I think they sort of looked over everything. I was in this dim, beautiful, candle-lit room and somebody was telling me how the fish were everything--and there was this big mother fish who was colored deep dreamy blues and purples and who seemed like she was all-seeing and maybe something like the Spirit of the Forest from Princess Mononoke. Hah. Anyway, we must have been in a building under the ocean, because the person who was telling me all this let me look out of a window to see into the area of the ocean where this mother fish lived. And she was really beautiful and she swam over and looked at us. And then I noticed a lot of other fish, and they were all really pretty. Their colors reminded me of those children's books some of us used to read. Remember?


Well they were kinda like this. But much more real. And I was told that every year, when allllll of the new fish were born, the "smartest" one--or whichever one was gifted for some special reason--was chosen to be the mother for next year. I got to see hundreds of eggs suspended in the water, and what looked like little faeries came out of each one. Apparently the reason I was being told all this was because the fish for that year was being chosen now--I was watching it happen--and it was my job to work with this one special fish and teach it how to be a part of the world while all the others went on to live their lives. I had to prepare this one for its year and whatever role it had; and then the following year, it would lay hundreds of eggs itself, and one of them would be the new special one for that year. The one for this year, which I was supposed to meet, was named Penny.

Well I really liked this dream. What's really funny is that when I got up, I went on facebook and noticed that a friend of mine had posted an article he found to be interesting. The article was entitled "Hundreds of fish fall out of the sky over remote Australian town of Lajamanju." So... wow. Coincidence I guess? One woman was finding them and putting them back in water, because it turns out they were totally alive. Here's what some of them looked like.

Check out the article here. Apparently sometimes there are tornadoes in the ocean that pick up water and fish and drop them hundreds of miles away. That's so fucking crazy!

So fish are totally on my mind today--beautiful fish.

debris

Well let's see. You can't be friends with everyone. You can't. And why would you want to be? There is not enough time in the world to be friends with EVERYONE. It's ridiculous. We all know this. But sometimes we think it seems rude for someone to want to live his life for himself. Why is that? My ex-friend Dimitrios was.. well, yeah, I've told people about him, because I've never ever ever met anyone like him ever. And I never will again, either. I can't describe him. Sometimes I just think he's crazy. But that's stupid. He's not. Anyway, over the summer he cut me out of his life. No longer wanted me to communicate with him, ever. It hurt me a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I just wasn't able to handle having no control over that. He used to tell me before that happened, that when he didn't like someone, he wouldn't pretend that he wanted to hang out with them or anything. If they bothered him to hang out, he would just sort of.. say no. Sure, he sounds like an asshole. And maybe it's a little extreme, yeah.. but part of me just wishes I had a little more of that in me. I think everyone is worth something. They are. But also.. he's right, I mean, he was right when he said you can't always waste time like that, as harsh as it sounds. You just can't. It's not good for you. And do you think it's good for them? To hang out with someone when you wish you were somewhere else? We've all done it. It's good to give people a chance, or just to be nice sometimes. But you can't live life like that--and it can't be healthy for the other person who is constantly being pitied by you or something. You can't be friends with anyone, you can't stay in touch with everyone forever. That's ok, too. A couple of the people who I consider to be my closest friends are the ones I don't even talk to regularly. And that's fine sometimes. I don't know.. I get so frustrated sometimes. When we try to be friends with everyone.. it just hurts people sometimes. And this all reminds me of the French goodbye--that is, simply leaving without saying goodbye. That is a French goodbye. I used to get upset if someone I cared about did that. But.. I've just thought about it more and I don't know. Whatever. Goodbyes aren't that important. Really, in the long run, who cares. I mean goodbyes are good, but.. you're not an asshole for leaving without saying goodbye.

God. and hormones. I think about this a lot. Is it because I'm a girl? I fucking hate how much my body messes with me. I feel like a little kid sometimes. I can't feel good about anything and I just get randomly upset. Sometimes. Ohh I get it, she's just pmsing, she'll be fine. Haha. Isn't that cool? We can just dismiss our feelings because it's pms, nothing to worry about. I don't know, I mean, why did I get so upset so much yesterday--when I'm not pmsing at all? Why does that happen? Can I just blame that on my body and hormones messing with me, too? So the reason i feel so angry and like there is nothing I want to do is just... because.. ohh, it's probably just hormones. So it's like it doesn't really matter. I should just ignore it. That's just so ridiculous. This is obviously a dilemma that can be thought about forever. I mean, emotions are scary and sometimes it sickens me that pills can change the way you live your day-to-day life. What is that? I guess it just makes me ask those questions like.. "What the fuck is real, anyway?"

while in delirium

i want to see you smiling sitting in the sun in the kitchen while we eat pancakes and "clementine" is playing in the background. every single one of these soundwaves emits from your heart. it's almost round. and each one emits from it as it beats and you smile sitting in the kitchen dark against light. i liked laying in the hot room with you and all of the colors were soft and sweet and not completely there. i want to lay back with you in a car in the sun and let them drive us while we close our eyes and disappear together. i want to sleep but i'm nervous i'll get lost but i still really want to go.

"There are just better ways."

My brother has had this blog for years--www.dibson.net
I was just looking at it. I think I'll always look up to him a lot. I like how we've become better friends over the years--you know, rather than just siblings--but there will always be this little part of me that just looks up to him, making it hard for me to just see us as good friends. I always say that that's one of my problems. I often hold people so high above me so that even if I have the opportunity to be friends with them, it doesn't happen quite like it should because there is that feeling hanging in the air that I can never really see myself as an equal to this person. Whoever they may be. It's one of those things that seems to be improving though, little by little, over the years. I guess the more you accept little things about yourself, the more you can adapt to it rather than just trying to wipe it out.

The point of this post, though, was actually that my brother's blog made me want to pick like.. one thing, one subject, and just learn a LOT about it. I guess that's what college is for, in a way. Hahah.. I mean, I guess right now I have chosen anthropology. Which I do want to learn about. But I was just reading for class and I couldn't focus completely on it.

While I know that I need to do these readings, and while I know that I can sometimes get something really good out of them, I think I need something else to keep me excited about just learning. I feel like my brother uses his blog--along with lots of other little things he does--to try to keep his mind going and to be excited about things or feel good about them. Of course, that's something he and I and a LOT of people have trouble keeping up with sometimes. It just seems like it would be a good idea to pick one random topic or little thing that I like and see how much I can learn about it.

"There are just better ways. I don't know if there's anything to get or not get--there are just better ways." (I don't know. Damian just said this to me the other day, completely out of the blue. I love when people hit you with something unexpected like that.)

"the greatest"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDsxkQk6DWw&feature=related

just this song on repeat.
i've decided my tattoo will just grow until i die.
every time it is right, i will make it grow.
it seems appropriate

"i don't think i'm ever gonna figure it out"

It seems like there is this feeling when you're tripping and you're around people who aren't--a questioning of whether you should hide the fact that you're tripping by attempting at normal conversation, OR just tell the people you're with what's going on and have the weight lifted off of your shoulders. Of course, you could also just not tell them what's going on and act however you are actually feeling, without holding back; in that case, they'll either figure it out or they won't.

I guess an interesting thing about psychedelics is that when you go back to every day life you can't help but realize that some such feelings are ones that you have always experienced and just never thought about. I remember one particular day in class last semester.. I realized I was insanely uncomfortable. A weird day I guess. And I couldn't help but get that feeling. I felt so strange and just like I was watching this weird room full of people sitting in rows and I didn't understand how everyone was just doing this and they were fine. I mean everyone gets that sometimes--so I just felt really separate at the time. I was sitting with my friends because I thought I should. But I wasn't sure if I should break the barrier and tell them that I felt really really weird (because honestly it was really overwhelming at the time) or just try to suppress it and pretend that I felt normal and talk to them normally. I didn't really want to talk to them about it at all. But the only other option was to try to calm down--which wasn't working. So pretty much, I avoided talking to them as much as possible.

Whatever, it's just funny because I remember tripping and feeling really confused sometimes because I felt like there was no way to be natural. I could NOT hold back--but then I would be really aware of it and it would make me feel like I have to be alone. Or i COULD hold back, but that was even harder and made me feel like I might explode if I didn't go somewhere by myself. Wait, this isn't even making sense anymore. But I'm saying it happens a lot more than only when I'm tripping.

Too bad I'm awful with words.
(title=elliott.)

it can happen.

Today I ended up hanging out with a couple friends from high school. I was surrounded by J's. That is, Juliana, Jimbob, and eventually we met up with Julie--in some places aka Nonsense. It's great, because Julie and Jimbob both write songs, and whenever I get to hear Julie play it really makes me feel like YES I want to write music right now. Well, it's 5 am, and now that I'm no longer hanging out with them I decided the first thing I should do is see if I can get something going with all that leftover inspiration--and just that feeling that I have the ability to actually do things. I mean, writing music. It's not so hard I think, if I just let things go and stop worrying so much about how things might come off. If there's something you don't like about what you're doing, just change it. Of course, sometimes that's way harder than it would seem. But right now it feels easy.

all the plans that were planned and fell through--where did they go when they left me and you? did they go into the red? or into the blue? i can't see. and the colors get lost in my head, they get lost inside of my brain, and they run until morning.. and i know i'll never know until they come through.

I found this old fox stuffed animal in my house today. It's my new best friend.