debris

Well let's see. You can't be friends with everyone. You can't. And why would you want to be? There is not enough time in the world to be friends with EVERYONE. It's ridiculous. We all know this. But sometimes we think it seems rude for someone to want to live his life for himself. Why is that? My ex-friend Dimitrios was.. well, yeah, I've told people about him, because I've never ever ever met anyone like him ever. And I never will again, either. I can't describe him. Sometimes I just think he's crazy. But that's stupid. He's not. Anyway, over the summer he cut me out of his life. No longer wanted me to communicate with him, ever. It hurt me a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I just wasn't able to handle having no control over that. He used to tell me before that happened, that when he didn't like someone, he wouldn't pretend that he wanted to hang out with them or anything. If they bothered him to hang out, he would just sort of.. say no. Sure, he sounds like an asshole. And maybe it's a little extreme, yeah.. but part of me just wishes I had a little more of that in me. I think everyone is worth something. They are. But also.. he's right, I mean, he was right when he said you can't always waste time like that, as harsh as it sounds. You just can't. It's not good for you. And do you think it's good for them? To hang out with someone when you wish you were somewhere else? We've all done it. It's good to give people a chance, or just to be nice sometimes. But you can't live life like that--and it can't be healthy for the other person who is constantly being pitied by you or something. You can't be friends with anyone, you can't stay in touch with everyone forever. That's ok, too. A couple of the people who I consider to be my closest friends are the ones I don't even talk to regularly. And that's fine sometimes. I don't know.. I get so frustrated sometimes. When we try to be friends with everyone.. it just hurts people sometimes. And this all reminds me of the French goodbye--that is, simply leaving without saying goodbye. That is a French goodbye. I used to get upset if someone I cared about did that. But.. I've just thought about it more and I don't know. Whatever. Goodbyes aren't that important. Really, in the long run, who cares. I mean goodbyes are good, but.. you're not an asshole for leaving without saying goodbye.

God. and hormones. I think about this a lot. Is it because I'm a girl? I fucking hate how much my body messes with me. I feel like a little kid sometimes. I can't feel good about anything and I just get randomly upset. Sometimes. Ohh I get it, she's just pmsing, she'll be fine. Haha. Isn't that cool? We can just dismiss our feelings because it's pms, nothing to worry about. I don't know, I mean, why did I get so upset so much yesterday--when I'm not pmsing at all? Why does that happen? Can I just blame that on my body and hormones messing with me, too? So the reason i feel so angry and like there is nothing I want to do is just... because.. ohh, it's probably just hormones. So it's like it doesn't really matter. I should just ignore it. That's just so ridiculous. This is obviously a dilemma that can be thought about forever. I mean, emotions are scary and sometimes it sickens me that pills can change the way you live your day-to-day life. What is that? I guess it just makes me ask those questions like.. "What the fuck is real, anyway?"

while in delirium

i want to see you smiling sitting in the sun in the kitchen while we eat pancakes and "clementine" is playing in the background. every single one of these soundwaves emits from your heart. it's almost round. and each one emits from it as it beats and you smile sitting in the kitchen dark against light. i liked laying in the hot room with you and all of the colors were soft and sweet and not completely there. i want to lay back with you in a car in the sun and let them drive us while we close our eyes and disappear together. i want to sleep but i'm nervous i'll get lost but i still really want to go.

"There are just better ways."

My brother has had this blog for years--www.dibson.net
I was just looking at it. I think I'll always look up to him a lot. I like how we've become better friends over the years--you know, rather than just siblings--but there will always be this little part of me that just looks up to him, making it hard for me to just see us as good friends. I always say that that's one of my problems. I often hold people so high above me so that even if I have the opportunity to be friends with them, it doesn't happen quite like it should because there is that feeling hanging in the air that I can never really see myself as an equal to this person. Whoever they may be. It's one of those things that seems to be improving though, little by little, over the years. I guess the more you accept little things about yourself, the more you can adapt to it rather than just trying to wipe it out.

The point of this post, though, was actually that my brother's blog made me want to pick like.. one thing, one subject, and just learn a LOT about it. I guess that's what college is for, in a way. Hahah.. I mean, I guess right now I have chosen anthropology. Which I do want to learn about. But I was just reading for class and I couldn't focus completely on it.

While I know that I need to do these readings, and while I know that I can sometimes get something really good out of them, I think I need something else to keep me excited about just learning. I feel like my brother uses his blog--along with lots of other little things he does--to try to keep his mind going and to be excited about things or feel good about them. Of course, that's something he and I and a LOT of people have trouble keeping up with sometimes. It just seems like it would be a good idea to pick one random topic or little thing that I like and see how much I can learn about it.

"There are just better ways. I don't know if there's anything to get or not get--there are just better ways." (I don't know. Damian just said this to me the other day, completely out of the blue. I love when people hit you with something unexpected like that.)

"the greatest"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDsxkQk6DWw&feature=related

just this song on repeat.
i've decided my tattoo will just grow until i die.
every time it is right, i will make it grow.
it seems appropriate